Ms.Independent

“I want to raise girls that can take care of themselves and never rely on a man for anything.  I want you to be able to support yourself”.  I cannot count the times my mother shared this desire with me.  To her credit, she succeeded.

I used to feel a sort of resentment about the weight of my life’s burden.  When my ex and I were together my load was significantly greater and then when he left I was pissed because now I had no one to ask for help.  Funny thing is he never really did help, he just said he would.  In fact, when he left my workload decreased and then I didn’t have to feel the burn of disappointment every time he didn’t follow through on his promises to help, but now even the promise of help is gone.  There is something so frustrating about knowing that no matter how long I wait it out/boycott/choose to ignore the dishes they won’t get washed until I put my hands on them, and then knowing that if I don’t do them now making my delicious homemade dinner will be all the more difficult if the kitchen isn’t clean, then I won’t want to cook and the kids and I will settle for teriyaki (again) and then there will be no leftovers for work tomorrow effectively ruining my diet…and so on, and so on…day in, day out…

Thus a modern day superwoman is born from the depths of necessity and the desire to live a healthy happy and productive life.  Most of the time I feel like I am #winning at life, I have a great house, my kids are in private school, I take care of my yard, cook healthy meals for my family and the laundry gets done on a regular basis.  All the while I am running my own business, finding time to exercise and being a whole-hearted parent to my kids.  But I am wondering.  Now that I know that I can actually do it all on my own, do I want to?

A lot of men like to present themselves as useful.  Which, I will admit is very attractive to me and in my top 3 qualities that I want in a man.  In conversation I may mention some difficulty I am having or responsibility to tend to, not fishing for help just merely sharing.  Then comes the offer and if it is in their ability to help they jump right on it. Out comes the pocket knife and they go to work.  When this happens it makes me uncomfortable.  Even someone doing my dishes for me gives me a sort of anxiety because I don’t know how to respond to someone wanting to make my life easier (I should also mention that ‘acts of service’ is my #1 love language, so them doing for me melts my heart just a bit more than most).  I hear stories of men being actual partners.  Men that keep the yard, work, do dishes, cook, take an active interest in the children or animals (or both) and are sweet to their wives and that makes them happy.  Men that have the best interests of their family at heart, I even know a few.  And that last piece is the reason for my answer to the above question.  No, I don’t want to do it all on my own.

I can still feel the burn of disappointment from placing my heart into the hands of a careless fool who liked to play with fire.  By proxy, I ended up with the scars, not him…  Though the marks will remain forever there I do not have to let that keep me from moving forward and admitting that I desire a helpmate suitable to me.  I will try again; I will place my heart in the hands of another.  I will be much more careful about whom I choose, but I will choose again.  It’s true, in my single state I am in full control of my life, but I would relinquish control in a heartbeat to a man that would love me through his dutiful actions that are motivated by loving intention.  I do believe that exists.

My mother was right; it is good to be a strong, independent woman and I am proud to say that I don’t need to rely on anyone.  But what she failed to mention is that even when I don’t need a man, I would still want one.  And I am finally ok with that.

Who’s afraid of the big bad wolf?

What is it they say?  If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for anything?  It’s true…every time.  I suffer from not being a natural boundary setter type person.   I usually let too many in and don’t always see the signs telling me to throw them out.  I am working on it though.  My life has been all about cleansing in the last year.  I am trying very hard to eliminate toxic people and situations; a very tough and yet relieving practice.

What I know for sure is that learning these big life lessons takes time so I still run the risk of letting in new toxins by another name.  There are many wolves out there cloaked in sheepskin.   It took me a long time to see the wolf in my past relationship and now I have to be wary not to be taken a fool twice by a beautiful smile, a look, a favor, a touch…Men are not the only wolves out there.  The other half of my poisonous equation is the beast inside my head telling me that I am not good enough, I am not perfect.  I was an unknowing yet willing victim for years and now that the wool has been pulled from my eyes I can see the evils lurking where I have previously permitted.  I have been attacked before but I refuse to let the big bad wolves keep me from seeking greener pastures.

Here is where the boundary work needs to start.  I have a ‘let it happen’ problem.  This is what I was guilty of before.  Attempting to make myself more pleasing by way of being a “yes” person and manipulating the circumstances to achieve favor.  All the while putting my personal preferences aside and ignoring glaring red flags because I am much too busy trying to make them see that I can be everything they have ever dreamed of in a woman.  Although that may be true, this can never work. Eventually, I am going to want to be true to myself  and then resentment is born because of my choices and lack of self worth.

So let’s forget that nonsense and instead stand for something.  I am going to define my wants and respect my needs in relationships.  I will not fear a loss when standing up for who I am and what I believe.  Only self respect can keep the beasts at bay.  Besides, if I am surrounded by wolves in sheepskin not only am I likely to get bitten, I won’t be available or ready when a real Ram comes my way and this time I am accepting no substitutions.  This time, I want the real thing.

So who’s afraid of the big bad wolf?  Not me, not anymore.

The Frozen Lesson

As some of you may well know, I was greatly charmed by the Disney hit movie Frozen.  I wept tears of strength as I sang along with Elsa and let it go.  But what was I letting go of exactly?  I was letting go of the pain of a terrible relationship, the expectations to be someone who I am not and I felt more prepared than ever to be all of who I am to the point that I too may have been able to make an ice castle on a whim and transform Elsa-style into a magical sparkly dress(yes!).

But as I entered into this realm of new relationships, I started to ponder the method.  It seemed that if I were to ‘let it go’ in the throws of new romance that would surely be the scariest thing any man this side of the Mississippi would ever encounter and send them running for the snow covered hills.  I mean, I have A LOT of love to give and I’m pretty awesome, but all at once can be pretty overwhelming.  So then if I am not to ‘let it go’ must I then ‘conceal don’t feel’?

And the answer is an emphatic “yes!”, at least for the moment…So I told Elsa to shove it because I need to check myself…before…well, you know what happens if you don’t check yourself.

Maybe it’s not fair to ask myself not to feel those emotions, but I feel pretty certain that it is much easier to restrain myself from drunken texting when I am aware that ALL of those feel-good feelings I am currently experiencing are meant for another day much farther down the road.  Heck,  maybe even another guy.  But I will never know if I keep ‘letting it go’ all over the dating scene.

Maybe it’s more like feel then conceal/ journal incessantly/talk all of my girlfriend’s ears off.  Then waaaiiiittttt for it….alll the waiting…and then after enough time has passed to allow adequate screening and he has shown himself worthy of such affections. Then can I sprinkle my lover with little tiny snowflakes of adoration in a graceful manner that exudes patience and wisdom beyond my years(I’ll let you know how that actually goes).  But before that happens if I find myself about smother the poor unsuspecting guy in a love avalanche (aka a ‘luvahlanche’), I will purpose to utilize the RIPAHG method.  RUN IT PAST A HOME GIRL(this is not the home girl that slashes tires) and make them listen to me gush and question and speculate for as long as it takes me to bring it down a notch or until they have to get back to work or whatever….

So for now, as far as the new dude is concerned….conceal, conceal, conceal…take a deep breath and wait.

Dating: The Great Gray Expanse

It has come to my attention that my thought process is particularly ‘black and white’. I have a potential suitor. Great. What now? Clearly only two options, marriage or permanent severance of the relationship. Either of these results needs to meet my rather impatient nature and come to it’s fruition within roughly 3 months, right?….Wrong…all wrong. 

What I am learning is that dating (especially if it is for the purpose of getting to a more serious, committed state) is a gray area as expansive as the whole of the Earth’s oceans. And much like being lost at sea, you can never really tell where you’ll end up. Hawaii? Antarctica? Eaten by sharks? Who knows? It’s the uncertainty of the destination that makes it so uncomfortable. If I only knew I was going to be torn limb by limb and devoured by sharks, I could at least try my hardest to take preventative action and prepare for the battle or the inevitable pain…or if I only knew I were to live happily ever after in the lush paradise of the Hawaiian Islands, I could start planning my dream beach wedding…
As it turns out, in dating there is no certainty, no black or white. Only an unspecified duration of time and then at some point you either move forward or decide to cut your losses. Time invested is mandatory to do the process justice, respect your needs/wants, and to make sure that you are stepping on rock not sand when it seems that your time adrift is coming to a close. And that takes patience because as stated previously in other posts, settling is not an option. So Lord, grant me patience, cuz this ship ain’t goin down here!

Out with the old, in with the new…memories, that is.

Dating after a really bad relationship is tricky. Creating new “normal” expectations is a long process of replacing bad memories with good and therein lies the tricky part. Just because a new person does certain things better than your ex doesn’t mean they’re your best fit, but it sure can feel that way.
The first date I went on post breakup, featured an amazingly passionate kisser with a great job and nice car.
The next noteable had all the above, plus he really liked to take me out.
The following possessed all that the first had in addition to being extra sweet and chivalrous.
With each of these men there was a moment when I thought “this could be him”. But when the smoke clears, conversations wane and time tells a truer story of an individual, I can see that I’m settling. Better than my ex? Maybe. Good enough for all of my heart? Not so much. This is a continuous exercise in self respect. Sometimes I feel like giving up and settling because anything seems better than the previous nine years of relationship hell, and then I look myself in the mirror and remember that I am worthy of so much more.

Keep on keeping on.