I have leveled up and now the world looks differently than before. I have learned so much about myself and how I find happiness. With that knowledge also came clarity on my physical symptoms of unhappiness like weight gain, panic attacks, migraines, substance abuse, and depression. I learned to keep reciprocity out of relationships. I recognized my part in past relationship “learning opportunities”,AKA failures and I have apologized to the best of my ability. The new non-codependent me doesn’t want a thing for my apology, it just feels good to at least try and clean up my mess with a determination to never make those kinds of messes again. Then after all that processing, I took a real time inventory of what I am capable and willing to bring to the table in relationships.
I can see now that in the past I was offering a person who doesn’t exist for herself in relationships; only a mirror of other’s desires and a vessel for the pleasure of other’s because of what I believed. I wasn’t lying with my offers as I am fully capable of everything I said and my willingness to do as requested was very real. The problem is my bad relationship “why” (explained in this previous blog) When the terms/requests came I didn’t even ask myself if it was something I really wanted to do. I just asked myself what I thought they wanted to hear and then I promised to figure it out to the best of my ability. Name your price and I will pay! Indeed, I did. Sustainable only for short amounts of time, sooner or later my true preferences and true self would show through and then in my discomfort I would want to take my contract back or at least tweak it a bit. At this point they would complain in some way, shape or form, then I would apologize; AKA say anything (again) that I thought they wanted to hear so that they would stay in this very codependent relationship model. So the cycle would begin anew, each time growing in resentment and disappointment, each time increasing states of self loathing and disconnection until inevitably it always exploded. I could not understand how I kept landing here…but now I understand.
This is my next level up. I no longer feel like an empty vessel waiting for someone to validate me. Because of learning this challenging lesson I feel whole and complete and because of that wholeness loving through this new perspective doesn’t feel feel forced or contrived like it so often did when I was selling my soul to be seen. Hopefully, it will be easier to avoid codependent situations now that I can see them for what they are. In addition to that big level up, I do believe I could be better listener and do some work with getting better acquainted with my own preferences. I have been mind reading and focusing so hard on others for so long I haven’t gotten to know me as well as I ought to.
Now I’m better prepared to self advocate. I know now that if in the future I choose to be in a relationship being my best new me and it still doesn’t pan out, I’ll be prepared to take it up for review and choose 1 of only 2 options (Yes, this one is VERY black and white.) Option 1: If both parties are willing and capable, renegotiate contract with new understanding, new terms and acceptance to move forward. Option 2: If parties cannot come to agreement on new terms then part ways, effective immediately.
Hanging around without resolution will only put us back at the beginning of the cycle, I can see that now and how it never works out.
No one should have less in a relationship than they feel they need. Everyone deserves healthy happy relationships that suit who they are today. To thine own self be true…
Instead of seeing life how I think the world sees me, I am seeing life as I see it, through my own lense and it’s really beautiful. I like it very much and it’s quite a happy place with lots of exciting and new adventures. Even if I wanted to go back to doing what I was before I don’t think that I could. This new perspective has changed me, I am my own person now and I feel so much better. For the first time in my life I can look at myself in the mirror and feel proud that today, in this stage of my very own personal journey, I am the woman I always wanted to be, flaws and all.