Le Saboteur!

At the outset of each new relationship endeavor I am determined to behave in a manner that is fitting to my goal, which is often a moving target that can vary from a long-term relationship to a one night stand.  This arbitrary goal is affected by a number of factors, but after some experimenting I have found that after roughly 15 minutes of conversation I can generally decide my goal by filling in the variables of the following equation: me (the time of the month + appropriate level of alcohol consumption) + him (his level of intelligence + overall attractiveness + communication style) = what I would like to do with him this evening!! A very simple and effective process of forethought.  Once I have established my goal I can easily adjust my behavior to suit said goal and all that is left is for the guy to show that he is the man for the job by responding appropriately to the “guided interaction”.  One night stands are obviously the easier of the two to navigate as the goal is pretty plain to both parties and is achieved rather quickly with no real expectation following; on the other hand, a potential love interest takes thoughtful movement and restraint to allow room for adequate observation of the many complexities that make up this one particular male of the species.  Respecting myself, setting healthy boundaries, having the courage to speak my preferences and be exactly who I am proud to be is getting easier with every attempt; these practices are decreasing the chances of my ending up in an undesirable relationship.  Also, keeping this mentality makes it much easier to free my mismatches back into the world relatively unscathed.  I have learned to put my initial judgments on hold and allow these men the opportunity to show me who they really are while they are in active pursuit of my attention, which has availed to me some new experiences with some really nice guys; maybe not the one for me, but really nice nonetheless.   So far the potential long term relationship process has been fairly short lived, with interactions lasting no more than a few months; I generally saw and ignored red flags in the early stages and then eventually the disappointment from settling, even for only a short time, would lead me to cut my losses.  I was starting to lose faith in what is left of the single male population in our area until I was recently connected via a good friend to a fella that is currently making all the men in my past pale in comparison…obviously, too good to be true.

One of my defense mechanisms, aka baggage from the previous relationship is a very tall wall that I have built up to protect myself from those that would seek to deceive and lead me astray; upon that wall I have placed many obstacles to keep the weak and unworthy at bay.  Most men love the idea of a challenge…at first.  They stand at the base of the wall and begin to climb, then comes the first challenge: a series of open ended questions. I am trying to discover what motivates them, what are their priorities and how much effort they are willing to exert in order to achieve goals.  A fair amount of effort is required to meet any of the following challenges; I have a good idea of the type of man it is going to take to fully appreciate me and having the ability to confidently make it through the opening question sequence with a solid set of answers is imperative and impressive.  Information about complicated familial or personal relationships, bad or lack thereof career moves, poor health choices, unstable living situations and lots of excuses attempting to justify those situations turn into the red flags that eventually signal to my inner emotional dragon that ‘we are done with this one, can you please pluck him from the wall, eat him and put him out of his misery?’ or they don’t need the dragon to realize they aren’t the man for the task, the white flag comes forth and that usually settles it.  But it isn’t just words, it is actions too.  He may interview fabulously and have no apparent red flags.  The next challenge, time and consistency, unveils true integrity; liars and over-promisers be warned.  I know I am not perfect and I too am a work in progress, I guess I am just looking for someone that is more or less in the same place as me in their life path.  I think it’s referred to as ‘being on the same page’.  I’ve never been in the same library with a guy, let alone in the same book or on the same page.

But lo! What is it that you say?  There is a man still on the wall and he draws near the top?!  Inconceivable!

I certainly wasn’t prepared for anyone to make it this far up the wall…I had only just built the damn thing and I may have intentionally made it fairly impossible to scale because he doesn’t really exist, remember?!  That being the case, clearly I had not given any thought to what I would do if someone through tenacity, integrity and overall character proved themselves worthy of my affection.   What am I supposed to do now?  Face vulnerability and the unknown of what he might/could do when he reaches the top?  Applaud and award his efforts with doting affection?  No, no, no, absolutely not.  If anything this man has just shown me that I am not asking too much and that if he can do it so can others, right?  No, I am not to be won so easily by this man.  Unleash Le Saboteur!  A vicious beast who lives in the dark hollows of my brain, where it feeds on the pain from loves lost and the fear of entrusting my heart into the hands of another man.  With reckless abandon Le Saboteur seeks out anything that isn’t absolutely ideal about a potential suitor and brings it to the forefront of my mind.  These “imperfections” become the stones for me to throw down at the men who get too close to my safe haven atop my wall.  Not fair, Kristina…not fair and not mature.

I don’t know where this new prospect is going to end up, in the moat, dragon food or victorious atop the wall, but I do know that if I don’t call Le Saboteur back and let the situation be what it is today, I could potentially miss out on a really great guy…because of fear.  That’s not me, and I am not afraid; I am strong enough, brave enough and have the self-assuredness to honor the commitments and obligations of a real relationship without losing myself.  The obstacles on the wall were thoughtfully placed and are my insurance that if they can make it to the top, they will have earned my respect and trust.  I will not withhold those things because of fear or sheer stubbornness, I choose to let it be.  Le Saboteur has been wrangled back into it’s cage for another day and I have my six month rule firmly in place.  The man’s pace is steady and although that makes me nervous, I have put my stones down so that I may let it be what it will be.  At least now, no matter where this encounter leads, I will know that I did not stand in my own way…or his for that matter.

Ms.Independent

“I want to raise girls that can take care of themselves and never rely on a man for anything.  I want you to be able to support yourself”.  I cannot count the times my mother shared this desire with me.  To her credit, she succeeded.

I used to feel a sort of resentment about the weight of my life’s burden.  When my ex and I were together my load was significantly greater and then when he left I was pissed because now I had no one to ask for help.  Funny thing is he never really did help, he just said he would.  In fact, when he left my workload decreased and then I didn’t have to feel the burn of disappointment every time he didn’t follow through on his promises to help, but now even the promise of help is gone.  There is something so frustrating about knowing that no matter how long I wait it out/boycott/choose to ignore the dishes they won’t get washed until I put my hands on them, and then knowing that if I don’t do them now making my delicious homemade dinner will be all the more difficult if the kitchen isn’t clean, then I won’t want to cook and the kids and I will settle for teriyaki (again) and then there will be no leftovers for work tomorrow effectively ruining my diet…and so on, and so on…day in, day out…

Thus a modern day superwoman is born from the depths of necessity and the desire to live a healthy happy and productive life.  Most of the time I feel like I am #winning at life, I have a great house, my kids are in private school, I take care of my yard, cook healthy meals for my family and the laundry gets done on a regular basis.  All the while I am running my own business, finding time to exercise and being a whole-hearted parent to my kids.  But I am wondering.  Now that I know that I can actually do it all on my own, do I want to?

A lot of men like to present themselves as useful.  Which, I will admit is very attractive to me and in my top 3 qualities that I want in a man.  In conversation I may mention some difficulty I am having or responsibility to tend to, not fishing for help just merely sharing.  Then comes the offer and if it is in their ability to help they jump right on it. Out comes the pocket knife and they go to work.  When this happens it makes me uncomfortable.  Even someone doing my dishes for me gives me a sort of anxiety because I don’t know how to respond to someone wanting to make my life easier (I should also mention that ‘acts of service’ is my #1 love language, so them doing for me melts my heart just a bit more than most).  I hear stories of men being actual partners.  Men that keep the yard, work, do dishes, cook, take an active interest in the children or animals (or both) and are sweet to their wives and that makes them happy.  Men that have the best interests of their family at heart, I even know a few.  And that last piece is the reason for my answer to the above question.  No, I don’t want to do it all on my own.

I can still feel the burn of disappointment from placing my heart into the hands of a careless fool who liked to play with fire.  By proxy, I ended up with the scars, not him…  Though the marks will remain forever there I do not have to let that keep me from moving forward and admitting that I desire a helpmate suitable to me.  I will try again; I will place my heart in the hands of another.  I will be much more careful about whom I choose, but I will choose again.  It’s true, in my single state I am in full control of my life, but I would relinquish control in a heartbeat to a man that would love me through his dutiful actions that are motivated by loving intention.  I do believe that exists.

My mother was right; it is good to be a strong, independent woman and I am proud to say that I don’t need to rely on anyone.  But what she failed to mention is that even when I don’t need a man, I would still want one.  And I am finally ok with that.