“I want to raise girls that can take care of themselves and never rely on a man for anything. I want you to be able to support yourself”. I cannot count the times my mother shared this desire with me. To her credit, she succeeded.
I used to feel a sort of resentment about the weight of my life’s burden. When my ex and I were together my load was significantly greater and then when he left I was pissed because now I had no one to ask for help. Funny thing is he never really did help, he just said he would. In fact, when he left my workload decreased and then I didn’t have to feel the burn of disappointment every time he didn’t follow through on his promises to help, but now even the promise of help is gone. There is something so frustrating about knowing that no matter how long I wait it out/boycott/choose to ignore the dishes they won’t get washed until I put my hands on them, and then knowing that if I don’t do them now making my delicious homemade dinner will be all the more difficult if the kitchen isn’t clean, then I won’t want to cook and the kids and I will settle for teriyaki (again) and then there will be no leftovers for work tomorrow effectively ruining my diet…and so on, and so on…day in, day out…
Thus a modern day superwoman is born from the depths of necessity and the desire to live a healthy happy and productive life. Most of the time I feel like I am #winning at life, I have a great house, my kids are in private school, I take care of my yard, cook healthy meals for my family and the laundry gets done on a regular basis. All the while I am running my own business, finding time to exercise and being a whole-hearted parent to my kids. But I am wondering. Now that I know that I can actually do it all on my own, do I want to?
A lot of men like to present themselves as useful. Which, I will admit is very attractive to me and in my top 3 qualities that I want in a man. In conversation I may mention some difficulty I am having or responsibility to tend to, not fishing for help just merely sharing. Then comes the offer and if it is in their ability to help they jump right on it. Out comes the pocket knife and they go to work. When this happens it makes me uncomfortable. Even someone doing my dishes for me gives me a sort of anxiety because I don’t know how to respond to someone wanting to make my life easier (I should also mention that ‘acts of service’ is my #1 love language, so them doing for me melts my heart just a bit more than most). I hear stories of men being actual partners. Men that keep the yard, work, do dishes, cook, take an active interest in the children or animals (or both) and are sweet to their wives and that makes them happy. Men that have the best interests of their family at heart, I even know a few. And that last piece is the reason for my answer to the above question. No, I don’t want to do it all on my own.
I can still feel the burn of disappointment from placing my heart into the hands of a careless fool who liked to play with fire. By proxy, I ended up with the scars, not him… Though the marks will remain forever there I do not have to let that keep me from moving forward and admitting that I desire a helpmate suitable to me. I will try again; I will place my heart in the hands of another. I will be much more careful about whom I choose, but I will choose again. It’s true, in my single state I am in full control of my life, but I would relinquish control in a heartbeat to a man that would love me through his dutiful actions that are motivated by loving intention. I do believe that exists.
My mother was right; it is good to be a strong, independent woman and I am proud to say that I don’t need to rely on anyone. But what she failed to mention is that even when I don’t need a man, I would still want one. And I am finally ok with that.
THE 253 LOVE/LIFE JOURNALS 